Animated Atrocities 06/Transcript
Mr. Enter: 'I am a brony. I have a show that covers notoriously bad animations. I think I may have set myself up for this one. There comes a time in every brony's life when he wonders about what came before, and the sheer horrors that plagued the past. G3. You know, the generation that was mostly straight-to-DVD? I did some research...... {''Caption: Wait, the girliest thing ever was animated by Wang Film Productions? That's... odd.} 'Mr. Enter: '....and stumbled upon the fact that there are 12 of these things. 12! And that's just the direct-to-DVD movies.....and I'm going to be reviewing them all.... {Caption: Not back-to-back. God no.} '''Mr. Enter: ....starting with A Charming Birthday. {a list of each of the specials are presented} Mr. Enter: '''I'll be doing them in chronological order, except for their Christmas special. Yes, G3 has a Christmas special, which I'll save for December. {''Caption: But isn't December after MLP G4 season 4 starts up?}'' 'Mr. Enter: '''Yes it is. And here's the other good news for you, bad news for me thing. I want to get two videos out to you guys every week: one Monday and one every Friday. During the G4 Pony hiatus, I'll be doing two infamous animations a week, and during the actual seasons I'll do one episode review on Monday, and one infamous animation on Friday. ''{Caption: You're stalling with these announcements, aren't you?} 'Mr. Enter: '''Yes, yes I am! Let's begin with ''A Charming Birthda''y. Huh, that title kind of reminds me of a G4 title. ''{the title for A Canterlot Wedding appears} Perhaps this won't be so bad. Oh, who am I kidding, this is gonna be horrible. Just look on the bright side: this particular, uh, movie is only 20 minutes long. Yeah, they put 20 minutes of animation on a VHS. Cheapskates at Hasbro. {Caption: Actually, it was packaged with Princess Promenade. However, I don't think that makes the deal much better.} '''Razzaroo: {off-scene} Ponies love to do fun things in big ways. I mean big! Mr. Enter: Uhhhh, no comment. {Minty runs down a path as this happens} This is apparently Minty, and I know that's Minty because we have a narrator. Razzaroo: Oh, I should introduce myself. My name is Razzaroo. What the fuck? Your name is Razzaroo? Are you from Endor? Minty joins a bunch of other ponies playing hopscotch with...flowers. Oh God, this is gonna hurt, isn't it? Minty: Razzaroo, what's new about you? {realizes} Wait, if that's Razootite, then why the hell is she narrating? {notices a background character juggling teacups} And what the fuck is she doing? Juggling teacups. God, I already feel like I'm on a bad acid trip after downing a barrel of Pixy Stix. {cut to a clip from the Family Guy episode "Seahorse Seashell Party"} I guess it's better than being on shrooms, though. So, Minty keeps bumping into other ponies, or lightly tapping into them. {the last one to be bumped was balancing teacups on her head} She knocks this pony backwards and the teacups are about to fall, and Minty runs to save them, and everyone applauds her. But, while bowing, Minty drops and breaks them. At least she saved one of them. Razzaroo: Of course she saved the green one. Yes yes yes! My friend Minty sees the world through green coloured glasses. What?! What does that even mean!? I think it's supposed to be a play on "rose coloured glasses", but even so it still doesn't make any sense! Why am I thinking about this? ''{cut to a POV shot of a book labeled "Ponyville Surprise Birthday Book", it looks like a single frame shown for a few seconds} {Caption: I'm not showing you a still by the way. This is how it's animated.} Okay, well Razzberry is actually attempting to explain with her Ponyville Surprise Birthday Book. Apparently, Minty loves green. I'm guessing that's going to be her entire personality. Razzmataz is walking with Minty to the café, and is trying to plan for Kimono's birthday. '''Razzaroo: Yes yes yes! And she keeps saying that! Razzalot wants to surprise Kimono this year, but apparently Kimono can never be surprised. They enter the café to find two ponies playing with... Minty: Chocolate chip checkers!? Sure! How does that make any sense!? Like, why would you use chocolate chips as game pieces? The two functions are diametrically opposed! They see a pony named Sweet Berry topping too many berries on a cake, which topples onto another pony who's talking about parties. {cut to a clip from Too Many Pinkie Pies} Kinda reminds me of someone. I wonder why. Huh, she doesn't seem too bothered by this. {realizes} ''I just realized something. This story is lacking any real conflict. I'm guessing that's going to be a major problem with this series. '''Razzaroo': Yes yes yes! Stop saying that! She takes the cake off that pony's head, and wipes Sweet Berry's nose, while leaving the other pony's nose a mess. So, she tells everyone that it's someone's birthday party. All ponies expect Razzaroo: (cheering) It's kind of easy to lighten the mood here, isn't it? (cut to an image of a burning house) ''Hey, look! Someone's house is on fire! ''(the ponies cheer again) So, Razzle-Dazzle talks about a pony named Wysteria. Wait, I thought it was Kimono's birthday! Cotton Candy: So, who '''''is the lucky pony? Razzaroo: It's Kimono's birthday. Then why were you talking about Wysteria!? You're not gonna answer that, huh? The magical wind comes in and blows the book to Kimono's page, which has no photographs since she has never been surprised. {realizes something} ''Wait a minute! You took all those photos without any of those ponies noticing. 'What the fuck is wrong with you, you creep!?' They wonder what to get Kimono for her birthday, and decide to give her a new charm bracelet. '''Razzaroo: '''Yes yes yes! Stop saying that. Minty is going to make her a green charm bracelet, and that's supposed to be a joke. ''{a pony named Sunny Daze cartwheels into the café. The upbeat music makes Enter think a musical number is going to start} No, no! Please don't! {sighs in relief} Good, we're not starting a song. I'm dealing with quite enough as it is. Sunny Daze: Have you all seen the sun today? It's absolutely yellow!! That line is the best line spoken by anyone ever! That's up there with the greatest quotes in history! And apparently, Sunny Daze is athletic, because Razzmatazz took some pictures of it, once again I'm assuming without her notice. Minty is about to go and play with Sunny Daze, but she can't because she needs to make a charm bracelet. And I just noticed another problem with this thing: all of the ponies are dead eyed. You can't see it in stills and you have to be watching it for a while, which may be hazardous to your health so I don't recommend it. A couple of other ponies decide that they want in on making charm bracelets. Minty wants to make it green. Sunny Daze wants to make it out of sunbeams. And {referring to Wysteria} whoever that is wants to make it out of flowers. Oh, that's Wysteria. {Caption: This is some of the most piss-poor storytelling I've ever seen.} Then why the fuck did you tell me about her three minutes ago and just leave her to the wayside!? {Caption: They got "show, don't tell" right ONCE, and now they're erasing it.} And why are you telling me Sweet Berry likes to make sweets after we see her try, and fail, to make a cake. {referring to the dead eyed problem} Uh, Sweet Berry? I think there's something stuck in your eye. You might wanna get it out. Looks like it hurts. Apparently, she wants to make a bracelet out of berries. Can't wait to see how that smells in a week! Cotton Candy: Four bracelets, that's all? I say Kimono needs a fifth bracelet. She's only got four hooves. Razzaroo: Cotton Candy is our official storyteller. Great, can she tell a better story than you?! Sparkle Works: Five bracelets? Big deal! Why not fifty, or five-hundred, or five thousand bracelets? How many fucking bracelets does she need?! Razzaroo: She's joking, right? Congratulations! You're now the best pony in this abomination! If only I could tell who the hell is who! These ponies look so similar and have personalities so bland, I can barely tell them apart. The only one I know for sure is Razzle Frazzle, since she won't stop saying: Razzaroo: Yes yes yes! Anyways, this five thousand pony is Sparkle Works. Rainbow Dash: Hello, my darlings! Razzaroo: Introducing the one, the only Rainbow Dash! {cut to a clip of The Mysterious Mare Do Well of that incarnation's Dash giving a look of shock} Rainbow Dash: What is this I hear about making charm bracelets or Kimono's birthday, darlings? Because if it's about anything, it's about rainbows, darling rainbows! Okay, what the fuck?! Apparently, Rainbow Dash wants to make another bracelet. Razzaroo: Seven bracelets? I need to sit down. I think that number's too big for her brain. Rainbow Dash: Please, Razz darling. Watch where you're stepping! You know how delicate a rainbow can be. This disturbs me on a deep, intimate level. Razzaroo: {turns the book's page} And this is Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie knows a lot about a lot of things. {cut to a clip from The Cutie Pox} G4 Pinkie Pie: Dahauhh! Make it stop, please, make it stop!! Uh, I'm right there with you, Pinkie. So, now with eight bracelets to choose from, the ponies are all wondering who's bracelet that Kimono's gonna wear first. Hey, wasn't this story supposed to be about a surprise birthday party or something? Pinkie Pie: See, we need to nip it in the bud. (misinterpreting) Okay, did she say "We need to nip her in the butt"? Apparently, they can't figure out who's bracelet Kimono's gonna wear first, which stumps them all. So, they're gonna have to ask the wisest pony in the land. Geez, I wonder what they're gonna do if they get into a real crisis. (cut back to the burning house) Hey, look! That house is still on fire!! (the ponies cheer) No, seriously! It's catching the entire neighborhood on fire! And the extinguisher's missing! How do I put it out? Rainbow Dash: Rainbows, darling rainbows. (over the sound of crackling flames) THEY! AREN'T! DOING ANYTHING!!! It just so happens that Kimono is the wisest pony in the land. I'm guessing that's because she's the only one who can count to ten. They still decide that they need to talk to her because they can't figure out their own damn problems. Sparkle Works: That pony has to be clever. Great! Then you're all screwed, 'cause it's definitely not one of you! They do that classic backwards walk thing that gets Minty to volunteer and talk to Kimono. So, Minty talks to Kimono, and has an absolutely genius plan, telling her about their dilemma, and calling the bracelets welcome signs. Sure, why not? It's almost the greatest plan since not opening the door for Bubsy. Kimono: Of course. Wait, I know that voice! Kimono: Interesting question. {cut to a clip from Boast Busters} Trixie: Who is so ignorant to challenge the magical ability of the Great and Powerful Trixie?! Kimono: Confusing, but interesting. That can't be right. {Caption: Both characters are voiced by Kathleen Barr; the Final Fantasy victory theme plays} I need to go lie down for a while. {Caption: Some soul searching later...} So, anyway, yeah, the Great and Powerful Kimono decides that the ponies should work together on one welcome sign, and each should add their own special touch. Kimono: (sigh) And this is why I live out of town. Congrats, you are now best pony in this thing!! Minty: (quickly) I didn't understand Kimono at first, but of course, I mean who understands her at first? How do you breathe? So they all decide to make one bracelet. Rainbow Dash: But darling, all of our ideas are so wonderful. Especially the rainbows. So that where Friendship is Witchcraft got their inspiration. They've decided to make a bracelet with one charm from each of them. That gets them super excited. {Caption: This celebration goes on for 40 seconds. I think that they ran out of story.} See? It pays to be smart. Rainbow Dash: Perfection, my darlings! {Caption: Was that cheer in Games Ponies Play a reference to G3?} Please stop talking. You're kinda freaking me out! Razzaroo: (narrating, again) Remember I told you, ponies love to do fun things in big ways, and I mean big! Yeah, and it still kinda sounds like a euphemism. So, each of the ponies are gathering supplies for their particular charm, and each of their charms appear to be much too big. Sometime later, they bring the Great and Powerful Kimono to the castle. (referring to the castle's similarities to the Disney castle) Wow, and I thought Equestria Girls had blatant product placement. Then they reveal their charm bracelet that they use to decorate the castle that, presumably, nobody lives in. It happens to surprise Kimono, along with a smaller charm bracelet. I have no idea where that came from. Kimono: I will cherish it and your friendship forever. And if you'll excuse me, I need to go puke rainbows. Rainbow Dash: Rainbows, darling rainbows. You know it's kinda exactly what I expected it to be: 20 minutes of saccharine and stupid designed to appeal solely to little girls, devoid of any real conflict. Oddly enough though, being the epitome of femininity isn't why it's god-awful. It's the fact that the characters have brains the size of peas and can't even solve the most elementary of problems. It clearly doesn't take its audience seriously in the slightest, and instead tries to pander to them. Whoever made this believed that all it needed to do to appeal to girls was to be as girly as possible and do nothing else. And no, writing for five year old girls is no excuse for writing trash like this. But, do you know what the funny thing is? You want to know what the really funny thing is? Most of the people who worked on this were dudes. In fact, in most of these crappy "for girls only" cartoons, you'll find that the writers are men who think that they can write the girls want to see by drawing on stereotypes. Yes, the writer of this episode was a woman. But I'm sure it was the directors that told her to write what they thought girls wanted to see. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch some Friendship is Magic and try to forget this ever happened. {Caption: Forget that this ever happened? Dude, there's still 11 G3 specials left! And people are inevitably going to ask you which one is the worst.} SHIT!! Category:Transcripts